20 Brilliant Ron Swanson Quotes

We’ve previously featured dumb quote selections by Donald Trump, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Kanye West. Now it’s time to read some actual words of wisdom.

When people get a little too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.

Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

Capitalism: God's way of determining who is smart, and who is poor.

I like to say no, it lowers their enthusiasm.

Shorts over six inches are capri pants, shorts under six inches are European.

I once worked with a man for three years and never got to know his name. Best friend I ever had.

Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.

Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That's ridiculous.

Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.

Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat, and cats are useless.

I'm a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.

Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.

It's always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.

It's never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on the tax payers tete until they have sore, chapped nipples.

There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk.

Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream, or be nothing.

It's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.

Honor: if you need it defined, you don't have it.

I regret nothing. The end.

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