1. Have a crush on a guy but he has a girlfriend? Take a stick of lipstick and write LIAR on his windshield. He may become single soon.
2. Spill drink in the seat in front of you at the movies to avoid people blocking your view.
3. Hotel room doesn’t have a fridge to keep beer, etc. cold? Call the front desk and tell them you need one “to keep your insulin refrigerated”.
4. Buy a “baby on board” sign regardless of your parenthood status, if you happen to be in a nasty crash paramedics and firemen will save you first.
5. Visiting someone in the hospital? Stage a photo or two in their hospital bed for the perfect future sick/injured/don’t wanna excuse.
6. if you’re stuck on an annoying call, put your phone on airplane mode instead of just hanging up. The other person will see “call failed” instead of “call ended”.
7. If the person sitting in front of you on a flight reclines their seat all the way back and leaves you with no room, turn on the air con above you to full blast and point it at the top of their head.
8. If a relative keeps asking you about having kids, lie that the wife is pregnant. A few months later, tell them there was a miscarriage so they’ll feel uncomfortable bringing up the subject again.
9. Save business cards of people you don’t like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write “sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield.
10. Steal a traffic cone and carry it around in your trunk in case you need to save a really prime parking spot.
11. Pour cheap wine into expensive bottles to serve your guests in order to make them think you are serving them premium stuff. They won’t know the difference.
12. If you ever get caught sleeping at your desk at work then say “They told me at the Blood Bank that this would happen!” when asked for a reason.
13. If a computer illiterate relative/friend asks you to fix their slow computer, boost their cursor speed by a notch or two. They’ll instantly notice a difference and thank you!
14. When you give someone a gift card as a gift, write down the card number and code. Then after a year or two, check the balance and if they hadn’t used it yet, just use it yourself. They obviously won’t know or care.
15. As a parent of a baby, smell their diaper. If you DON’T smell poop, say, “Woah, somebody has a poopy diaper!” Then take them to the other room and pretend to change them. Then the next time they poop tell your spouse, “It’s your turn. I changed them last time.”
16. If you come across a dating profile begging for money, send them a request for the same amount instead of a gift. Many times they’re too careless to read and will automatically accept it because they assume another desperate guy is sending cash.
17. If you have a significant unexplained employment gap that is hurting your resume claim that you were providing full time end of life care for a grandparent (or other older relative).
18. Want your commercial to be seen by millions of people for free? Put it on YouTube with the title “The commercial the Superbowl refused to run”.
19. In your last year of college “lose” your student ID and get a new one. The exp date will reset and you can get another 4 years of discounts.
20. COVID-19 is a good time for a cheap wedding. You can send “wish we could invite you” cards and probably still get gifts without paying for a big wedding.
21. Donate to homeless shelters in the next town over. The majority of homeless people tend to go where there are available services, and this will reduce the number of homeless in your town.
22. Keep hydrated at work. You’ll need to take a lot of bathroom breaks. This will make up for all the breaks smokers get. Might as well double up and start smoking.
23. Paper due at 11:59? Nowhere close to being done? Submit a paper you’ve done for another class and then use the time between then and when your professor emails you saying, “Oops! Looks like you submitted the wrong paper…” to work on your actual paper.
24. If you squash a memory foam pillow then fart into it while it expands back out it sucks the fart smell in for 5 or so minutes so when the next person lays their head on it the fart particles get re-released around their head.
25. If you plan on going to prison, learn to cut hair. Barbers are greatly appreciated by other inmates and you’ll likely be spared when it comes to prison violence.
26. Need friends? Create an attractive fake tinder profile of the opposite sex, start leading on a bunch of people, arrange a date with all of them on the same time, same place. Show up as well. Announce that they must have pulled a prank on all of you and suggest you all go drinking together.
27. If someone calls you fat, just tell them you used to be 75 lbs heavier. They end up looking like an a**hole and you end up looking accomplished.
28. Tell your friends that you’ve made them a partial life insurance beneficiary. They’ll feel obligated to do the same for you, and will only find out you lied if you die first.
29. Starting a new job? No matter what the reality is you now have four, alive grandparents.
30. If you work in retail make a fake e-mail and write an e-mail to your boss/store praising yourself.
31. Don’t get caught by your boss reading news or sports articles on your computer at work. Quickly copy the content of the article into an email and read it from there. Your boss will think you are dealing with an intensive email and will leave you alone.
32. Want to cut into another lane of traffic but nobody will let you in? Cut in front of a Tesla, autopilot will force the car to stop.
33. Have a racist grandmother? Photoshop a picture of your sibling with a black man or woman and tell her they’re engaged. She will take them out of the will and you’ll get a bigger share of the loot.
34. When ordering ice cream, always ask for a single scoop. However, when the server is finished, say, “Actually I’d like a second scoop.” This forces them into matching the size of the first scoop, which tends to be bigger, since it was for a single cone.
35. Your food business is not getting enough customers? Make a fake hot tinder profile and tell your dates to meet at your restaurant, pretend to be late and tell them to order something expensive for you. Then after you serve them call off the date because your BF/GF found out or something.
36. If your coworker calls out of work sick, you can do the same 1-3 days later. Your boss will think you have the same thing and it’s “going around the office.” In fact, most of the time, your boss will do the same thing shortly after you. It’s the fake flu.
37. Had a good first date from a dating app? Report the person in the app so their account gets ban. That way you limit their dating options and increase your chances of a second date.
38. Give the same perfume to your wife and your girlfriend. It could save your ass one day.
39. Don’t want to spend a small fortune on a wedding ring? Buy an old wedding ring at a pawn shop and say that it was your grandmothers ring. This will give it more sentiment and value than a new ring.
40. Send a wedding invite to every billionaire you can find an address for, as there’s a good chance their assistants just send you a gift without ever confirming who you are or if their boss knows you.
41. Give fake money to homeless people. They will thank you for it, but also when they get arrested and taken to jail, it will reduce the number of homeless people in your area.
42. If you can’t get your roommate to clean up, create a fake Tinder profile, match with them and tell them you’re coming over. They’ll leave the place absolutely spotless in no time.
43. Lie about having a college degree. Companies rarely check them and if they do the only consequence is that they don’t hire you.
44. If your family or roommates don’t want to upgrade internet speed just go into the router admin settings and set their devices to one of the lowest bandwidths possible. When they start complaining about it just tell them that upgrading internet will fix the problem.
45. Take a picture of yourself everyday or every week slowly getting fatter and when you’ve reached a good heavy, post all the photos in reverse along with whatever diet or exercise plan you are selling.
46. If you want to Rummage through someone’s desk drawers and are wary of being caught do so with an empty stapler in your hand.
47. If you hear a mosquito buzzing around at night while you are trying to sleep, cover yourself fully and uncover some skin of your sleeping life partner. You should be safer.
48. When going for interview make your 2 or 3 friends to sign up for interview as well and tell them to give the stupidest interview ever.
49. If you glue a dead wasp to the palm of your hand, you can hit your boss on the back of the head as hard as you like and act like you saved him.
50. If you accidentally scratch someone’s car, write a note in shaky handwriting saying you are 5 years old and fell off your bike. Then leave $5 saying it’s all you had.