Husbands Tweeting About Marriage

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We already featured a gallery of women tweeting about the daily struggles of marriage, now let’s check out what husbands have to say about their experience.

Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge

My wife is so much better looking than me that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries...

Marriage is just texting each other "Do we need anything from the grocery store?" a bunch of times until one of you dies.

Before marriage I never realized that forgetting to put the toilet seat down is a political statement.

Wife: Why are you breathing like that?

Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.

When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.

My wife said I need to grow up.

Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong.

I don’t understand how God can have 10 commandments for the whole world, and my ex wife had 152 just for our house!

Married sex is like traveling. It takes planning, the conditions need to be right, and everyone has to pee before getting started.

My wife is finally coming home from her week long trip, so you know what I'm getting tonight... yelled at. I'm gonna get yelled at.

Married life.

Thermostat negotiations.

The Mrs and I have been married so long she can finish my sentences.

My wife wanted two kittens but I am the man in this house so we got two kittens

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife's is around $643.27. Apparently

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower* me: Are we - stop screaming, it's just me- are we out of Cheetos?

Embracing flaws.

My wife just opened the car door for me. It would have been a nice gesture if we hadn't been going 70 mph.

Wife: it’s like every man on earth has to share one brain.

Texting with wife.

My wife managed to open a jar of pickles herself and I am now nonessential.

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5 Comments

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  1. joshua December 23, 2020

    your lifes are weird

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  2. Anonymous December 24, 2020

    @joshua
    You, Sir, are not married.

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    2
  3. Stop Whimpering December 24, 2020

    Good gawd….these men share a single testicle.

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  4. Whipped December 30, 2020

    Dude-it’s just jokes. No man is actually…..hold on…wife calling, gotta go

    10
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  5. Anonymous January 17, 2021

    I know these are jokes… but…
    This is why so many men are not getting married.
    Men are seeing it’s just not worth the hassle.

    2
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