Wives Tweeting About Marriage

Scroll down to enjoy a glorious list of tweets from women who appear to have mastered the art of a successful marriage.

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it's going to get our kids into Harvard.

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.

Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers. I was actually opening a Kit Kat I didn't want to share.

Know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved when first dating? After 20 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".

When my husband asks me where I want to eat, I always say, "Somewhere good." And then reject every one of his suggestions. I'm a delight.

You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck...

Sorry. I was late because I had to find all the things that were in plain sight for my husband.

My husband is home sick from work today and it's like having one thousand babies.

Marriage is just texting each other "Do we need anything from the grocery store?" a bunch of times until one of you dies.

I'd have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.

What life lesson did hubby learn today? NEVER ask your wife how her day is going if you see her eating ice cream straight from the carton!

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don't need a hedgehog. Long story short, we're picking it up on Thursday.

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so...

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

Married life.

My husband needs glasses. He still doesn't see things my way!!

Marriage in a nutshell.

I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.

I'm secretly doing an investigation on how many decorative pillows I can put around the house till husband loses his shit.

My husband won't let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn't want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

Establish dominance in your household by staring at your husband while you unplug his phone from the charger and plug in your own.

Still waiting for my husband to apologize for what he did in my dream last night.

12 thoughts on “Wives Tweeting About Marriage”

  1. There’s a CORRECT way to load a dishwasher? I thought the dishes just had to be dirty? Guess I’ve been doing it wrong for 44 years (They still manage to come out of the thing clean).

  2. And women wonder where all the good guys are, they’re hiding. Why? Cause they know wives are bitches!

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