The Funniest Parenting Tweets (Part 2)

Being a parent is similar to being a superhero, except that your goal is to keep your house standing and your kids alive rather than saving the world. You have to preserve some form of your own sanity while also keeping the peace, resolving conflicts, handling finances, cooking, and warding off illnesses. And just when you think you have everything under control, your children find a fresh, original techniques to test your patience. Scroll down to read the funniest parenting tweets and don’t forget to check out Part 1 too.

My friend said she couldn’t wait to have kids so I went right over, turned on Cocomelon and hid the remote. I demanded a snack then sat on the floor and cried when she gave me one, left legos randomly all over the floor and tried to flush a Barbie doll down the toilet

Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.

I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older and she laughed so hard she cried a little

Only seven teeth.

My 8yo had the audacity to ask me why I cross my legs when I sneeze. You, dude. You are the reason.

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his 'pound machine'. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale. Crisis averted, for now.

The people at the doctor's office just tried to reassure me that my son isn't the worst kid they've ever seen by telling me a story about the time a kid yanked a banner down from the ceiling. What they didn't realize was it was a story about my kid.

Someday, God willing, I will attend my children’s weddings, refuse to eat what they serve and demand butter noodles and nuggets.

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 3 AM.

My 7yo says “trust me” a lot for someone who lies about wearing underwear

8-year-old: Do you have a favorite kid? Me: That would be like you having a favorite parent. 8: It's Mom.

My son is sick so his voice is all congested-sounding and he asked me for crepes for breakfast. So I googled a crepe recipe, made a crepe even though I never have before. Put it down in front of him and he was like “these are grapes?” He just wanted some grapes.

Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. My 7-year-old son has recently learned about the planet Uranus.

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today? Me: I don't think it's an act.

overheard a teenaged girl ask her dad to explain what started World War II. he tried to play it cool but I could see it in his eyes, this was the moment he'd been waiting for for fifteen years

I just told my daughter that when I was a kid our tv only had 4 channels and she rolled her eyes and said, “oK, mOm. wHaTeVeR,” and now I’m starting to wonder if maybe my father DID walk to school uphill both ways.

My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend's name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, "MY FRIEND MIKE?!?" Yes, I'm having drinks with a preschooler, then we're getting matching tattoos.

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

My 9 yo just came downstairs and said he and his 7yo brother were playing a game they called doggy style. They were dressing up our dog in different clothes. I almost died.

my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she's subjected herself to months of me asking if she's still feeling blue

Thinking about the time my 3yo forgot the name for chicken nuggets and called them “orange meat cookies”

my daughters stuffed animal was drug tested in the airport security line, so then i had to explain what drugs were to my six year old, and now she thinks they sound cool 

thanks tsa

I started cleaning the house and then remembered that I have kids, I’ll try again in 18 years

Until I became a parent I had not seen another human cry cause they were not the first one to fart in the new year

If you enjoyed these tweets, don’t forget to check out Part 1 too.

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