The Funniest Parenting Tweets

Parenting is about love, balancing priorities, managing responsibilities… and being able to laugh about all of it, of course! These Twitter moms and dads are completely honest about raising their kids. What’s more, they often confess their trials and tribulations in the funniest ways.

The truth about parenting.

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

Somehow I’ve lucked out and have an 8yo who thinks secretly reading under the covers past her bedtime is an act of rebellion, and it hasn’t yet occurred to her that her flashlights never seem to run out of batteries.

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

You will never realize your full potential for speed and agility until the day you see your toddler holding a Sharpie marker

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

Spoiler alert: Kids are the most expensive free thing you'll ever have.

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

When a three year old gets all serious and looks deep into your eyes, you're not having a moment. They're just pooping.

I don’t know why people say having a dog prepares you for having a kid because my dog has never wanted to watch Frozen 47 days in a row.

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

There needs to be a Robin Hood like person, who steals energy from kids and gives it to their parents.

In case you were on the fence about having kids, my 3-year-old threw a temper tantrum because her tongue is pink.

My wife grabbed my butt last night, not to be sexy, but because she was checking a diaper in her dreams. We've been parents for too long.

My son is having a hard time getting over the fact we’re not naming his new baby sister Megatron.

I buckled a toddler into a car seat twice today, so we both burned the same amount of calories.

"You're a HORRIBLE parent!"

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

The best thing about trying to name a baby, is realising how many people you hate.

My son threatened to hold his breath until I gave him dessert. He's now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don't negotiate with terrorists.

It's Friday night and you know what that means. Nothing. I'm a parent, it means absolutely nothing.

27 hours of labor was worth it because when I shake my baby’s chunky leg and go “Ring ring ring!” and then put his fat cannoli foot to my ear and say “Hello?!” he laughs so hard he barfs.

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