Welcome to Eurovision – the annual continental ritual where logic goes to die, taste takes a holiday, and musical diplomacy is conducted by a broken keytar. As of this year, Eurovision is officially old enough to have a midlife crisis. Founded in 1950s as a noble experiment in post-war unity and continental healing (and to give Switzerland something to do other than yodel), the contest has since mutated into an unhinged Hunger Games of rhinestones, pyro, and accidental nudity.
If you’re an American and have stumbled across Eurovision, you probably are now deeply confused. Maybe you were flipping through YouTube and saw a man in a sequined jumpsuit yodeling in Romanian while being hoisted into the air by a mechanical phoenix. Maybe your European friend yelled “THE POINTS ARE IN” and threw their wine at the wall. Or maybe you just heard that an Austrian drag queen beat Norway in a song contest taking place in Italy and thought, “I don’t think I get Europe.” Correct. You don’t. But fear not. This guide is here to explain the sheer glorious lunacy that is the Eurovision song contest.
Eurovision is an annual singing competition where European countries (plus a few who are clearly not in Europe but begged to come anyway, like Australia and Israel) each submit one song. Then, in an overproduced live TV event of Biblical proportions, they perform these songs in front of a screaming, costumed crowd while being judged by both national juries and the drunk public. Imagine if The Super Bowl halftime show lasted three hours, featured 30 acts, none of whom were famous, and ended with Moldova beating Germany using an accordion solo. That’s Eurovision for you.
Who competes?
Any country that is a member of the European Broadcasting Union (EBU) can take part. This includes the usual suspects – France, Germany, Sweden – and also countries like:
- Israel (because why not).
- Australia (it’s a long story involving colonial guilt and kangaroo diplomacy).
- San Marino, which has the population of a Chili’s on a Tuesday night.
- Azerbaijan, who are mainly there to win on oil money and chaos.
The U.S. does not compete, because:
- It would be cheating.
- America doesn’t like contests it doesn’t automatically win.
- You’d send Beyoncé and ruin everything.
What are the songs like?
Expect songs with: itles like “Boom Bang-a-Bang”, pyrotechnics that would terrify the Pentagon, and backup dancers wearing outfits that violate both the Geneva Convention and common sense. Every now and then, someone tries to be cool and send a serious song. This is universally rejected. Serious songs are not welcome here. This is Eurovision, not Coachella.
How does voting work?
Here’s where things get complicated and petty. Each country awards points to their favorite songs – 12 points to the top choice, 10 to second place, and so on. They are not allowed to vote for themselves, which annoys the UK because that’s the only country that likes them.
Voting happens in two parts:
- Jury Vote: Allegedly “professional” music experts from each country vote. This is mostly rigged or decided by who owes whom a favor.
- Public Vote: Regular citizens (read: tipsy gays and bored housewives) vote via phone or app.
The result is the most passive-aggressive map of Europe you’ll ever see. Expect:
- Greece giving 12 points to Cyprus.
- Cyprus giving 12 points to Greece.
- Everyone giving zero to the UK.
- The Nordics and Baltics voting only for each other while pretending it’s about musical integrity and not a shared history of fish exports.
So why should Americans watch?
Because nothing in your cultural arsenal can prepare you for this. You think you’ve seen crazy television? You have not. Eurovision is pure madness and lunacy. Eurovision is not here to make sense. It’s here to be fabulous, flamboyant, and culturally confusing. It’s Europe at its most unhinged, united not by currency or politics but by a 68-year-old Polish folk singer yodeling while milking an invisible cow on the stage. So pour yourself a bottle of questionable wine, grab a sequined blazer, and yell at your screen like the fate of democracy depends on whether Iceland gets 8 points or not. Because in Eurovision, everything matters. And nothing makes sense. God bless Europe. And good luck.