The Funniest Tweets About Being Single

Something we all have in common is that we’ve all been single at one (or many) points in our lives. And yes, views are evolving, but being single is still stigmatized. Just think about it, how many times have you heard “When are you going to settle down and get married?” or “When are you going to make me a grandma?” But why should single life be a drag? Here we have single people who it and deal with it in the best possible way – with humor! Scroll down for the funniest self-deprecating tweets about being single that we could find!

Saw a couple holding hands while jogging and it made me hopeful that one day I will meet someone who will hate them with me.

new tinder idea: upload all my photos upside down so girls turn their phone to look at them, obviously realise am ugly and swipe left but of course that's now actually right bing bang boom match

9 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.

Valentine's Day plan: 1. Breakfast in bed 2. Chocolates 3. Watch movie 4. Dinner for two. 5. Regret eating two dinners. 6. Cry alone.

If you regularly ask single women when they plan to get married, it's only fair to ask married couples when they plan to get divorced.

One day, some guy is gonna see me eating a whole rotisserie chicken with my bare hands in my parked car and think "That's her, she's the one".

Can't wait for Valentines Day. I'm gonna run into as many restaurants as I can shouting "Knew I'd find you here! You bastard" then run out.

'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."

him: your single? why? me: you're*

Just heard someone bragging about his one night stand. Whatever mate, I've got two night stands. Either side of my bed.

[getting ready for a date] ROOMMATE: the key is to not seem too desperate ME: ok [later] DATE: i love this restaurant ME: haha i love u too

Normal people flirting: hey you’re cute we should go out sometime. Me trying to flirt: so do you like bread

The last time I was someone's type I was donating blood.

Your problem.

NETLFIX: Are you still watching? ME: No NETFLIX: Do you want it on in the background anyway to fill the deafening silence of your loneliness? ME: ...yeh

Dr: what are you using for birth control? Me: just who I am as a person

Single at 23: “I have to go out and meet someone!” Single at 29: “If it’s meant to be the right person will find me in my home.”

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex. Today I'm wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

Me : why is everyone together & I’m single Also me : declines every date, takes 3-5 business days to reply & never smiles

being single is cool until you open a perfect avocado at breakfast and u have no one to show it to.

I workout the same way I date on bumble...I literally do nothing and pray for results. #stillwaiting

[at a loud bar] HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS? HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

Relationship Status: Just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.

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17 thoughts on “The Funniest Tweets About Being Single”

  1. I wasn’t single, but I was on my own for three weeks. I remember complaining to our cat about some atrocity on TV and I swear I could *literally* see her trying to be interested for my sake, but desperately wishing The Man would come home to once again take over this, his rightful duty.

    Or maybe I was projecting. I don’t know. She was pretty expressive.

  2. In the year 2525, if man is still alive
    If woman can survive, they may find
    In the year 3535
    Ain’t gonna need to tell the truth, tell no lie
    Everything you think, do and say
    Is in the pill you took today
    In the year 4545
    You ain’t gonna need your teeth, won’t need your eyes
    You won’t find a thing to chew
    Nobody’s gonna look at you
    In the year 5555
    Your arms hangin’ limp at your sides
    Your legs got nothin’ to do
    Some machine’s doin’ that for you
    In the year 6565
    You won’t need no husband, won’t need no wife
    You’ll pick your son, pick your daughter too
    From the bottom of a long glass tube

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