David Hughes Has One of The Funniest Twitter Accounts Ever

Some Twitter accounts are funnier than others, but David Hughes takes it to a whole new level. Scroll down to see some of his best tweets and don’t forget to follow!

"Hi, I'm in room 326, I'd like to order a wake up call." "Ok. Your wife is very close to leaving you & you're a joke to your co-workers."

I was quite flexible when I was younger. The kids at school used to call me Spider-Man because my uncle was murdered.

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."

[in Walmart] "Excuse me, do you have towels?" "Oh, I don't work here." [leans in close] "I don't give a shit where you work."

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he's homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas Boss: it's May Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

[watching a documentary about penguins]

The movie 'Up' is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn't die.

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

People get confused when converting kgs to lbs...

[at the mall] "Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?" "Of course." [leans in to mic] "Goodbye you little shit."

[at the vets] Me: my pig makes her puppies suck on her titties Vet: piglets Me: fine, my pig *lets* her puppies suck on her titties

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It's amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

Me: Netflix & chill? Her: sure [later that night] Her: so you don't have Netflix? Me [pulling out 20 condoms]: I don't have chill either

[someone at the gym notices my sweet gains] Me: yeah man you just gotta stay committed & work hard so you earn enough money to buy steroids

Astrology is amazing, I don’t get why people hate on it so much. Why the fuck wouldn’t you welcome the opportunity to blame your failures and shortcomings solely on your birthday.

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

Me: I'm not cleaning that up Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to

These look fine!

[coronavirus pandemic diary] Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.

Interviewer: u worked in sales before? Me: yeah Interviewer: what's your background? Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

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12 Comments

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  1. Brian Stanbrook August 24, 2021

    None of those are remotely funny.

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  2. Lolfosor August 24, 2021

    Shut your face, Brian. These are brilliant!

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  3. Al-nonymous August 24, 2021

    David wrote 10 puns to make Brian laugh, but no pun in ten did.
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    …….
    I’ll go away now

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  4. Anonymous August 24, 2021

    I agree with Brian. Not one of those is funny.

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  5. The Real Anon August 24, 2021

    I enjoy a good pun or joke, possibly more than the next person, but I agree with Brian, these weren’t funny.

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  6. David Hughes August 24, 2021

    I must apologise for all David Hughes’s out there, occasionally there are versions that lack the skill of humour, it could have been because of something this David 8, or because he thinks Twitter is cool, which it isn’t

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  7. Insufferable August 24, 2021

    Michelangelo painted the “Sixteen” Chapel. I don’t know how many chapels Leonardo painted.

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  8. Anonymous August 25, 2021

    Insufferable- yeah, when you can’t tell if the mistake is a mistake or part of the joke, it… may not be a great joke.

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  9. Anonymous August 25, 2021

    Leonardo THE Vinci – a joke for sure.

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  10. Anonymous August 25, 2021

    to Anonymous – da Vinci means “of” or “from” Vinci, as in the city of Vinci, Tuscany
    Born out of wedlock to a successful notary and a lower-class woman in, or near, Vinci, Tuscany.

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  11. Anonymous August 26, 2021

    Those are not even sad, let me go eat some dry dirt to cheer up

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  12. Anonymous September 7, 2021

    Half of these jokes are stolen

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