Tweets That End So Unexpectedly, It Will Make You Laugh

@SadAndUseless has been on Twitter for many years now, and it never ceases to amaze us that Twitter is a bottomless well of jokes (and lots of other not so great stuff lately) but mostly jokes, and it is our absolute pleasure to bring you this list. We assure you it is as much fun to put this together as it is for you to read.

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

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If I got a dollar for every time I think about you, I'd probably start thinking about you.

Introducing my gf to my family. Me: this is my gf Janine. Janine: hi. Wife: WTF?!

I asked to switch seats on a flight because of a crying baby. Turns out it's not allowed if the baby is yours.

Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy. I love to eat capitalization.

Of course I touch myself when I think about you. It's called a face palm.

My wife just opened my car door for me. Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like, do we just shake hands, hug or kiss or what? Drive thru guy - please just take your food, sir.

"Hi I'm Dave and I’m an alcoholic" *uncomfortable murmur* "I'll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and...

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him. ME: ok [drives to hospital]. ME: hi yes my baby is crying can I get a new one.

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before. INSTRUCTOR: don't lick my lips again.

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today? Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic but no these are just gardening facts.

[Sees a bee on wife's arm] Uh oh [I roll up newspaper] Babe... Stay still.. (Using newspaper as megaphone) THERES A BEE ON YOUR ARM

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless. It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth.

*At the supermarket* Me: "Hey, are these carrots genetically modified?..." Store worker: "Why you ask?..." Carrot: "Yeah, why you ask?..."

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you". Now she's just staring at the bushes confused who said that.

[at the mall] "Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?" "Of course." [leans in to mic] "Goodbye you little shit."

I love how music can take you to another place. For example Justin Bieber is playing in this cafe so now I'm going to a different cafe.

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